I will never be able to explain it in words to the closest people in my life how, when and why it began. All I know is am suffering from it and its costing me a lot in terms of how I treat my family and some close friends. Have distanced myself from many in the last few years, missing them terribly, but the choice was made by me at a weak moment. A decision that’s regretted today. “Feelings of severe despondency and dejection” the meaning given in the dictionary to the condition. How, is a question that needs an answer, even in my own mind, as whether its seeds were put in 2007 after Muthashan’s death or in 2009 after the accident am not sure, but one thing is clear to me one of these was a major drawback and something that pulled me down. His death impacted more than I can ever put in words. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about him, even though its been 13 years, 3 months, 19 days, 5 hours, 49 minutes, 24 seconds since he left.
In 2009, the accident made sure that I had to take ample rest, couldn’t read something that I cherished, as concentration was a major issue then and the frustration was immense since I felt lost, incapable and paralyzed not physically, but mentally. The only solace was, Mr. B had come into my life and made me happy in every aspect, but then the feelings were still there.
In terms of my career, it was a crossroad and I ended up taking a path that I had not thought about until then. 2010, was a year full of surprises and happiness as the next phase of life was beginning, was over joyed and thrilled with the prospects that lay before me. Worked and stayed in Mala for almost a year. Soon, shifted base to my hometown and started life in a different atmosphere with Ammamma by my side which was a boon in more ways than one. Here the major change was the fact that, judgments were being made on not how I kept the house but, how she was taken care of. The love for her was immense, but the fact that I was under constant scrutiny made matters worse inside the head. I needed some alone time and when was offered a Medical Transcription work at Coimbatore, it was received with open arms. Left for a year and a bit more and then returned as Ammamma hadn’t been well and was constantly rambling that I should be home.
She had a fatal fall a few months after and that took her memory for a toss and she recognized her loved ones only occasionally after that. She left in 2016 the same month as Muthashan had. This affected more than his death as she was and will always be Amma first. The feelings of inadequacy, hatred towards self, irritation, the blames increased. Rocco came into the house to spread joy. Though certain things that weren’t expected began happening inside the head and it got worse with time.
Soon, Mr. B had to be blunt about it to me and requested I get help. After nearly a year of not much progress, ended up changing the person I was going to and that brought about a lot of change. Never thought, about experimenting in the kitchen, but now that’s some kind of entertainment at times, but if there is a failure, however minor it’s hard to digest and the howling and wailing begins, much to the annoyance of Mr. B. Reading not as much as I used to, now the movies have taken the precedence since that doesn’t involve mental work of any kind. I am enjoying teaching students abroad whether its English, grammar or the college entrance tests the career that I decided was the best as I tried a few others along the way.
Am still recovering taking baby steps, the person who should be applauded here is Mr. B for standing with me even though, he has been driven up the wall more than once because of my idiosyncrasies, antics and mood swings. Though his question is still unanswered as to how people end up with it and why. This was penned out today in the sole hope that I would have a written piece on how it was like to be going through Depression and how much it impacted me. The Semicolon symbol has taken a lot of importance in my life as I could have ended it at the lowest moment, but had to courage to pull on and still trying to do the same.
Musings of Aditi Lakshmi 
Hey Aditi, depression can be tough to handle. Be strong and remember that we are all there for you. And of course there’s your Mr. B. Cherish those who are around 🤗
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